Finding Your Inner “Bitch/Jerk”

Filed Under (Dating Thoughts) by Kevin on 20-11-2010

 As you all know, from time to time I have shared my thoughts on dating, relationship, and other topics of interest.  I will continue to do so, and this is the first of many future thoughts I hope you will find helpful.

 I was in Barnes & Noble recently, and happened by the Relationship aisle, and lo and behold, a book caught my eye.  It was called “Why Men Love Bitches.”  Really?  So it got me wondering, is there a similar book for men?  And after some Googling, I found it.  “How To Be The Jerk Women Love.”

 Two books about men and women being bitches and jerks.  Surely they can’t be true.  After all, everyone says they want someone nice.  And yet, there is the saying, “Nice guys/gals always finish last.”  Could there be some truth to that?

 I’m sure we’ve all met someone a friend is dating, and we wonder “What the heck does he/she see in that person?” because the person in question comes off as a jerk/bitch to us.  And sometimes our gut is right, and other times once we warm up to the person, we find that they’re not as bad as we initially thought they were.

 See the truth is we’re all attracted to “bitches/jerks” whether we know it all not.  I’m sure some of you who are presently divorced may agree, and to you, I have to say I don’t mean your exes really are bitches/jerks (see now you disagree with me). 

The fact of the matter is, people who come off as jerks and bitches because they give off the sense that they possess a quality we all seek in a friend, companion, and mate.  I’m sure some of you are catching on to what I’m really talking about.

I’m talking about confidence.  We’ve all been taught from an  young age to be confident in everything we do.  Some embrace it, some shy from it.  But the fact is, we are attracted to it, and there is nothing wrong with that.  We are all by nature shy and unsure of ourselves. 

That’s because we know ourselves better than anyone else, and recognize our own flaws that we think the world sees as well.  But the truth is, sometimes we are our own biggest critics.  And most people really don’t see our flaws, unless we make major attempts to point them out (we’ve all dated someone like that at one time, constantly nit-picking about their inadequacies).

 Let’s face it, no one is perfect.  Even the ones we think we are perfect, are not perfect.  I remember seeing on a magazine rack the cover of US Weekly, where Kim Kardashian (whom we can all agree is very beautiful), but the title on the cover stated something along the lines of “I thought I’d be married by now” because she couldn’t find the right man. 

Imagine that?  An incredibly beautiful, sexy, smart (she has business saavy), and rich woman, and she can’t find the right man to marry?  Clearly the men she’s dating has flaws, or she may be the flawed person (either flaw in character or flaw in seeking men with those flaws). 

My point is, everyone has something we think is wrong with us.  But sometimes, what we think is a negative, is a positive for someone else.  But if we complain about that flaw, or point it out, then it might seem like a negative.  The best thing to do is to hide your inadequacies. 

How do I do that?  Well, the easiest way to do so is to show confidence.  Show confidence in everything you do, confidence in your work, relationships with those around you, and if it’s something fixable, make an effort to fix the flaw.  But don’t let it hold you back or prevent you from enjoying yourself and the company of those around you. 

But when it comes to dating, there are several things to keep in mind.

Confidence is not the following:

  • When a woman or man says no, they really means no.  They’re not playing hard to get.  Changing their phone number is not really trying to play harder to get.  Really.
  • If you’re talking to someone, and they’re finding an excuse to walk away, it means they don’t really want to continue talking.  Move on.
  • Grabbing someone to get their attention to talk is not confidence, that’s assault.
  • Bragging about your accomplishments or things you own, is not confidence.  It’s showing off, and no one likes someone who shows up.
  • Confidence is not acting like a jerk.  A jerk is still a jerk, and might fool someone into thinking you’re confident, but in the end you’ll still be exposed as a jerk.

 Confidence is the following: 

  • Smiling.  It’s as simple as that.  When you see someone, show them a smile.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean that they will think you’re interested in them.  You’re just being friendly.  And if you do meet someone who interests you, simply smile a lot more.
  • Say hello.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a room full of strangers and we all sit and just quietly stare at each other.  But when I say hello to one or all of them, the room begins talking, and suddenly everyone is friendly.  It works the same with people you are interested in, be it friendship or dating.
  • Be nice.  I cannot begin to stress to you just how important this is.  I’m sure you’ve al met someone who was just so incredibly nice that you instantly felt an attraction to them.  Besides, it’s easier being nice than being naughty… save the naughtiness for the privacy of the bedroom!
  • Being comfortable with who you are.  You don’t have to be the most fashionable (don’t worry guys, if your sense of style sucks, the right woman will show you how to dress… just kidding!), or look like George Clooney or Angelina Jolie to attract someone.  Of course, it doesn’t hurt if you look like one of those stars… but don’t worry, you’d be surprised what most people find attractive.
  • Taking your time to speak and listen.  People who come off as lacking confidence tend to talk fast or need to talk over people.  Take your time to respond, and most of all, listen to what others have to say.  Confidence is about being comfortable with other people’s opinions, even if you disagree.

I hope that this has been help for you, and guides you in developing your own confidence.  I know it has helped me, and those of you who know me and have watched me grow over the years, know that I have undergone many of those changes myself.

Am I perfect?  Absolutely not.  But I have become a better person as a result, and I hope to continue to improve over time.  Don’t worry if you are not so confident at first.  It takes time to develop confidence, enjoy your little victories and take the baby steps, and before long, you will be walking with the confidence and feeling it too!

On a side note, I would like to share with you the fact that we have revamped our website.  It’s still a work in progress, but you can find it at (it links directly to our Meetup group).  The site will be a repository for thoughts on dating, relationships, and other topics of interest.

I am the first writer, but I hope that there are others who have an interest in writing also.  And if you enjoy writing, and would like to share your thoughts about dating and relationships, please contact me at